Tonight I stroked the hair of a woman breathing her last breath and told her it was okay to go. She had breathed 3 times in 5 minutes before stopping. Her husband and son were so upset and said she’d died already. Her eyes were glazed over and she had no control over her muscles anymore. But that last breath, as I held her hand, stroked her hair, and told her that her family loved her and it’s okay to go, her mouth moved a lot and for an instant her eyes stopped glazing over. Was she aware? Was she still there? Was her soul, her essence of being still in her body or even in the room?
The hospice nurses talk to the dead bodies and treat their bodies as lovingly as if they were still there, perhaps in the room watching, or perhaps to ease the pain for the families, I don’t know.
I feel I am a spiritually attuned person. I have been present for the deaths of many people and sometimes I can feel their death like a sigh of release and freedom and sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it feels as if the person is dead long before the last breath or muscle twitch and sometimes not. When is it that we die? When does the awareness leave us?
I have witnessed the biofeedback of prayer too many times to count. Whether unconscious, in a coma, or sleeping the sleep before death, their breathing becomes less labored, their heart rate and blood pressure evens out. It’s as if they are listening with their whole bodies… or is it that the body itself is listening even when the mental awareness is gone? Is it possible that the body is aware and “lives” on despite the loss of sentience?
I also have met many people who cannot communicate at all or very little, even though their eyes and slight body language burst with awareness. It’s as if their souls are trapped in their bodies, silently screaming to be let out. Most often by stroke combined with old age, people cannot hear anymore, or only slightly, cannot write or read words anymore, cannot speak anymore. They are left with broken or slurred words or blinking yes or no to demonstrate their primary needs. Hardly anyone takes the time to draw out what they want to tell you. Sometimes this also happens while on a ventilator or another debilitating illness. Sometimes people’s brains and bodies heal and they can at least talk again. But in my line of work, I don’t see that much anymore. Are these people alive even though their bodies betrayed them? Often they don’t last very long; one infection or fracture is all it takes. Or sometimes, with no symptoms of impending death, they just will themselves to die. No signs or symptoms of death, their heart just stops.
Despite life and death being the one thing we all have in common, no body ever talks about it. I can’t tell you how many reactions to conversations about death I have witnessed. I’m not talking about philosophic conversations in a classroom or dusty old tome. I’m talking about intimate contact with death. Even hospice workers and funeral home people skirt around much of the issue. They may respect the mystery of it more and understand the science of it more, but when asked when a person really dies, mostly you get “Who knows?” Don’t stare at it directly and challenge what is ingrained in us, just step back and respect the mystery.
I don’t really expect there to be one blanket answer to any of these questions. So much of it is contextual… and people believe what is comfortable and familiar to them… even if it is fire and brimstone. Ahhh… the after life. That is a subject for a completely different blog.
May God bless all who search for answers and who seek to be reassured there is meaning to all of this.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
From Despair to Transformation: Easter Sermon 2008
John 20: 1-18
Today is the day we celebrate the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ. Sometimes I think we, at least mainline Protestants like myself, forget that Easter is not about Christ's ascension into heaven. When we say “Christ is risen, Christ is risen indeed!” we are not talking about Christ rising into heaven. We are talking about Christ's rising from the dead. This denial of death is the ultimate exclamation of our faith in a living God. We radically claim that the execution of Jesus was not the end of the Christian story but only the beginning. Christ's presence among his disciples did not end with the death of his body. He refused to let the authorities of his world have the last word.
Jesus' story resonates in every person's life in some way or another. The story of Jesus appearing to the distraught Mary Magdalene is a story of Christ giving hope to someone in the midst of despair. To theologians who study concerns for the marginalized and oppressed, this is an important demonstration of God's love in the world. One such theologian, in response to concern for women in the world, says the goal is to “maintain, without glamorizing or glorifying suffering, that pain is not the end of the story... It is to offer and encourage a new vision.” The torture and despair Jesus suffered is not the end of the story. Jesus returns to Mary and offers the hope only God can give us in our time of need. Jesus returns to complete his story and share his vision for a better world... a world that would never forget his name, never forget his death, never forget his message.
Lest we forget his message, let me remind you. There is one above all the others that summarizes why Jesus was here, why Jesus was willing to die. Listen to the Gospel of Matthew:
Love God. Love neighbor. Love self. Jesus' life and death exemplified this Great Commandment in an unforgettable way. Every parable told, every miracle performed, every sermon preached led to this moment where Christ demonstrates to us what LOVE is.
Marjorie Suchocki sums it up it in her book God, Christ, Church. She says
Let us also not forget that today is not just about celebrating the amazing acts of Jesus the resurrected, as if he were a great magician. It is about rejoicing and giving praise to God. Jesus may be the manifestation of God's love, the incarnation of God, but GOD is the source for this love we feel. From God flows all our altruistic desires and compassionate empathy. God is the resurrector and Jesus is the resurrected. Even death cannot stop Jesus from being with us. God conquers death and continues to manifest that ultimate love through the risen Christ.
We are not perfect beings. Far from it. It is so easy to be swallowed up in today's world of global terror and suspicion, today's world of consumerism and individualistic apathy. It is easy to be caught up in the daily concerns about schedules and paying bills and tragedies such as losing of a job or a loved one can seem to consume us. The burden of our own despair can weigh us down. Before we can even rejoice in God's unending love, we need Jesus to yell our name at us, like he did with Mary. He shouted “Mary!” as if to tell her “Wake up! In your despair you cannot even see me… the divine vision of hope standing before you!”
Has God ever had to slap you awake? You know exactly what I mean. It may have been news of an illness, a near-miss with death, the birth of a child. I know I've had God shout at me a time or two. “WAKE UP REGAN! Don't you realize all the blessings in your life? Don't you realize how important relationships and love are in this crazy scary world? Where are your priorities?” God doesn't stop there with me. And Jesus doesn't stop there either. He tells Mary to go and tell others about his resurrection... the incarnation of God's love, of the world's hope. TESTIMONY! Mary Magdalene was the first to give the good news of Christ's resurrection. And like her, we must not be silent about it, we must bear witness to God's love and hope for the world as well!
Can you imagine a world where people shared stories of blessings and miracles and love manifest instead of the endless stories of fear, violence and hatred? Have you watched television news lately? Horrific. Terrifying. Disturbing. Now, I don't recall Jesus asking Mary to forget the horrors of his death or even to dry her tears. The pain that we suffer, that we bear witness to in the world is real and strips us down to the bare essential parts of ourselves so that we can be transformed by God's love. Our vision sharpens and our hearing becomes clear. God yells “Hey you!” And we are open to receive Christ, the illumination of hope for the world, for us, for you, just as Mary was open to receive Christ that Easter morning.
So, don't let the despair weighing you down be the end of your story, but the beginning. Even death could not stop Jesus from sharing God's love. Allow the hardships in your life to be the catalyst for change. Allow the closing of one door be the opening of another. In life, there will be loss, there will be pain and there will be tears. However, there will not be a moment where you are alone. For even if you cannot see him, just as Mary could not at first see him, Christ is there. Hope and God's love is there. Allow for the transformation of the resurrection inspire you to new life. Amen.
Today is the day we celebrate the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ. Sometimes I think we, at least mainline Protestants like myself, forget that Easter is not about Christ's ascension into heaven. When we say “Christ is risen, Christ is risen indeed!” we are not talking about Christ rising into heaven. We are talking about Christ's rising from the dead. This denial of death is the ultimate exclamation of our faith in a living God. We radically claim that the execution of Jesus was not the end of the Christian story but only the beginning. Christ's presence among his disciples did not end with the death of his body. He refused to let the authorities of his world have the last word.
Jesus' story resonates in every person's life in some way or another. The story of Jesus appearing to the distraught Mary Magdalene is a story of Christ giving hope to someone in the midst of despair. To theologians who study concerns for the marginalized and oppressed, this is an important demonstration of God's love in the world. One such theologian, in response to concern for women in the world, says the goal is to “maintain, without glamorizing or glorifying suffering, that pain is not the end of the story... It is to offer and encourage a new vision.” The torture and despair Jesus suffered is not the end of the story. Jesus returns to Mary and offers the hope only God can give us in our time of need. Jesus returns to complete his story and share his vision for a better world... a world that would never forget his name, never forget his death, never forget his message.
Lest we forget his message, let me remind you. There is one above all the others that summarizes why Jesus was here, why Jesus was willing to die. Listen to the Gospel of Matthew:
34 When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, 35and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’ 37He said to him, ‘ “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” 38This is the greatest and first commandment. 39And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.’
Love God. Love neighbor. Love self. Jesus' life and death exemplified this Great Commandment in an unforgettable way. Every parable told, every miracle performed, every sermon preached led to this moment where Christ demonstrates to us what LOVE is.
Marjorie Suchocki sums it up it in her book God, Christ, Church. She says
“On that cross we see supremely the power of love which is revealed by Jesus to the world. The seeds of the resurrection are sown on the cross as love refuses to succumb to distortion or annihilation; Jesus continues to love, through deepest pain. Does God love so strongly, even in the midst of pain? How can this intensity of the manifestation of love be exempted from the revelation of the nature of God? Through the cross we see not only that God's love is stronger than death, but that God in love endures the pain of death, and that God's love is unconquered by death.”Suchocki goes on to explain how every action we do, as beings created in the image of God, directly affect God as Christ's execution affected God. When we act out of anything other than love, we are denying the very essence of who God is, why Jesus was here, why Jesus died.
Let us also not forget that today is not just about celebrating the amazing acts of Jesus the resurrected, as if he were a great magician. It is about rejoicing and giving praise to God. Jesus may be the manifestation of God's love, the incarnation of God, but GOD is the source for this love we feel. From God flows all our altruistic desires and compassionate empathy. God is the resurrector and Jesus is the resurrected. Even death cannot stop Jesus from being with us. God conquers death and continues to manifest that ultimate love through the risen Christ.
We are not perfect beings. Far from it. It is so easy to be swallowed up in today's world of global terror and suspicion, today's world of consumerism and individualistic apathy. It is easy to be caught up in the daily concerns about schedules and paying bills and tragedies such as losing of a job or a loved one can seem to consume us. The burden of our own despair can weigh us down. Before we can even rejoice in God's unending love, we need Jesus to yell our name at us, like he did with Mary. He shouted “Mary!” as if to tell her “Wake up! In your despair you cannot even see me… the divine vision of hope standing before you!”
Has God ever had to slap you awake? You know exactly what I mean. It may have been news of an illness, a near-miss with death, the birth of a child. I know I've had God shout at me a time or two. “WAKE UP REGAN! Don't you realize all the blessings in your life? Don't you realize how important relationships and love are in this crazy scary world? Where are your priorities?” God doesn't stop there with me. And Jesus doesn't stop there either. He tells Mary to go and tell others about his resurrection... the incarnation of God's love, of the world's hope. TESTIMONY! Mary Magdalene was the first to give the good news of Christ's resurrection. And like her, we must not be silent about it, we must bear witness to God's love and hope for the world as well!
Can you imagine a world where people shared stories of blessings and miracles and love manifest instead of the endless stories of fear, violence and hatred? Have you watched television news lately? Horrific. Terrifying. Disturbing. Now, I don't recall Jesus asking Mary to forget the horrors of his death or even to dry her tears. The pain that we suffer, that we bear witness to in the world is real and strips us down to the bare essential parts of ourselves so that we can be transformed by God's love. Our vision sharpens and our hearing becomes clear. God yells “Hey you!” And we are open to receive Christ, the illumination of hope for the world, for us, for you, just as Mary was open to receive Christ that Easter morning.
So, don't let the despair weighing you down be the end of your story, but the beginning. Even death could not stop Jesus from sharing God's love. Allow the hardships in your life to be the catalyst for change. Allow the closing of one door be the opening of another. In life, there will be loss, there will be pain and there will be tears. However, there will not be a moment where you are alone. For even if you cannot see him, just as Mary could not at first see him, Christ is there. Hope and God's love is there. Allow for the transformation of the resurrection inspire you to new life. Amen.
Monday, February 25, 2008
The Scent Memory of a Chaplain
One of the strange side effects of being a chaplain at a level one trauma center I did not expect is my new library of scent memories. I recall somebody somewhere with a fancy degree has said that our scent memory is the most accurate form of memory we have and triggers subconscious responses based on past experiences connected to that smell. neat, nifty, wonderful... if you're a pastry chef or a florist. But I now have these smells burned into my memory with images and emotions that nightmarish and horrific... very surreal. I have the almost sweet metallic smell of blood dried and caked and flowing freely mixing with images of disfigured bodies and trauma room chaos, exposed body parts, and frantic and crying family members. I see images of bereft patients and families talking close to my face with the smell of vomit and bad breath passing over me. When I smell stale urine, I remember rumaging through the urine saoked clothes on a dead man, looking for something that might tell me who he is or who might want to know he's died. The smell of excrement recalls images of patients soiling their beds as they talk to me. If there is a body fluid smell out there, I've got a sad or atrocious memory to match it. I don't have nightmares about my scent memories. But I do have those flashes of memory interrupt my thoughts when I pass by or catch a whiff of something similar. It reminds me that I am human. Underneath the logical analysis, mountaintop mystical experiences, and amazing sentience, I am still literally flesh and blood. Nothing more humbling than the reminder that I am a sack of fluids held up on a frame of bones, working on electrical impulses. It also reminds me that despite my calmer demeanor and more efficient manner regarding trauma and suffering, I am still affected. My heart is not stone, my soul is not numb. I've smelt suffering, I've smelt death. Of course I know I will also die. The point worth remembering, however, is that today I live.