Dear Friends and Family, December 2009
We hope this letter finds you well. We are doing well after surviving another year of being newlyweds. For me, the biggest change was becoming ordained in March this year. The service was unique and fun and a great way to celebrate the end of a long journey. I continue to work as a chaplain for Hospice in about 7 counties around the KC region as well as PRN work at the Hospital.
One of the most exciting things for A. was earning his driver’s license motorcycle endorsement in March and purchasing a 1983 Yamaha Seca 750. He rode it on his commute to work in Topeka most days. It was a great way to enjoy the round trip to work.
Our garden experiment went pretty well for a first attempt. Though the grass and weeds were a constant fight, we grew tomatoes, celery, peppers, squash, green beans, lettuce, onions and cucumbers with success.
No big vacations this year, but we did enjoy a nice long weekend seeing the sights in Kansas. We enjoyed the museums in Atchison and the Brookville Hotel fried chicken dinner. We camped at Lake Wilson, toured the Garden of Eden, and then went to Hays, Regan’s birth place.. We ended the trip seeing the rock formations at Rock City. Never knew there was so much to see in Kansas did you?
In October, A. found a full time permanent job. He helps clients with filling out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid. While he enjoyed doing technical support, with his new job he has a great work environment and opportunities for advancement.
A. also achieved 2 belts in Okinawan Kenpo this year, his orange and blue belt. It’s fun teaching the new white belt beginners in class despite their confusion between left and right.My back has been improving with PT and water aerobics. I hope to start back to karate in January.
I rescued a kitten that was lying in the middle of a busy highway. After recovering from her wounds, Lucky Francis stayed with us for a couple months until she was old enough to be fixed. The holy terror kitten now entertains A.’s mom and her indoor cat Squeekers.
There were plenty of other great memories and blessings. Again, you and yours are in our thoughts and prayers and we’d enjoy hearing from you. Many blessings to you!
Love,
Regan
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Some Words on Infant Loss
I once again used the 1 Corinthians 13 Text. This was for a dear friend's baby.
In this evening’s reflection, I’m going to pass on a couple ideas for you to ponder tonight. Please be patient with my tears.
God is very different for all of us. What I mean when I say "God" is not the same as what you mean. People who attend the same church or grow up in the same family will have very different views of who God is. The same goes for the meaning and purpose of life and death. Some of this is because of the particular events that shape our perspective of the world. Some of this is because of the language and words we learn. The list of reasons why we all think differently about God, life and death is endless… and, surprisingly enough, religion is only a small part of it.
This week a tragic event occurred that has shaped everyone here in this room and a few outside it too. A baby has died before being able to experience life outside the womb. No matter how you are related to Baby G, his death has impacted you and how you see life and death. However, it has impacted no one as much as it has his parents and brother. There will be countless days of tears as they face a future on earth without Baby G beside them. But there will also be moments of gratitude and appreciation for the time Baby G did spend with them, the sonogram pictures, listening to his heartbeat, the joy of adding to their family, and the love they felt for him.
Love is a gift that we sometimes forget to cherish and appreciate as much as we should. As a society, we gather at weddings and funerals and maybe an occasional holiday or two as a sign of caring, of love. However, we forget in the daily activities of life to show that same appreciation. The time with Baby G was very brief. But it was filled with love. Each moment he was here his mother, father and brother made sure that Baby G felt loved and cherished, that he knew his presence in their family was anticipated with great joy and hope.
When Baby G died, he was cocooned in his mother’s womb, their heartbeats only inches from each other. He did not die alone and isolated, without love or comfort. Just the opposite, he was as close to another human being as any of us will ever get.
I suggest to you that one way this tragedy may shape you is an understanding of God as love, of the meaning of life and death being love. Love never ends. Love is what keeps us going, day after day, tragedy after tragedy. Love is what will get you through this. Love never ends.
The absence of Baby G in our lives will be horribly hard. But if we see God as love, if the meaning of it all is love, then perhaps part of that love is also letting go. Most of the people we will have to let go of in our lives will not be so sudden and so tragic, but letting go is part of being a parent, it’s part of being a child. There is not a part of life that does not entail letting go of someone you love. The permanence of Baby G’s absence may make it feel different somehow. However, the universe is what, over 13 billion years old? The years we will be separated from him will be brief in comparison. So, this isn’t goodbye forever, this is until we meet again. Because Love NEVER ends. NEVER.
So, while we may never agree on who God is or what the meaning and purpose of life and death are, perhaps we can all agree that part of the answer is love.
In this evening’s reflection, I’m going to pass on a couple ideas for you to ponder tonight. Please be patient with my tears.
God is very different for all of us. What I mean when I say "God" is not the same as what you mean. People who attend the same church or grow up in the same family will have very different views of who God is. The same goes for the meaning and purpose of life and death. Some of this is because of the particular events that shape our perspective of the world. Some of this is because of the language and words we learn. The list of reasons why we all think differently about God, life and death is endless… and, surprisingly enough, religion is only a small part of it.
This week a tragic event occurred that has shaped everyone here in this room and a few outside it too. A baby has died before being able to experience life outside the womb. No matter how you are related to Baby G, his death has impacted you and how you see life and death. However, it has impacted no one as much as it has his parents and brother. There will be countless days of tears as they face a future on earth without Baby G beside them. But there will also be moments of gratitude and appreciation for the time Baby G did spend with them, the sonogram pictures, listening to his heartbeat, the joy of adding to their family, and the love they felt for him.
Love is a gift that we sometimes forget to cherish and appreciate as much as we should. As a society, we gather at weddings and funerals and maybe an occasional holiday or two as a sign of caring, of love. However, we forget in the daily activities of life to show that same appreciation. The time with Baby G was very brief. But it was filled with love. Each moment he was here his mother, father and brother made sure that Baby G felt loved and cherished, that he knew his presence in their family was anticipated with great joy and hope.
When Baby G died, he was cocooned in his mother’s womb, their heartbeats only inches from each other. He did not die alone and isolated, without love or comfort. Just the opposite, he was as close to another human being as any of us will ever get.
I suggest to you that one way this tragedy may shape you is an understanding of God as love, of the meaning of life and death being love. Love never ends. Love is what keeps us going, day after day, tragedy after tragedy. Love is what will get you through this. Love never ends.
The absence of Baby G in our lives will be horribly hard. But if we see God as love, if the meaning of it all is love, then perhaps part of that love is also letting go. Most of the people we will have to let go of in our lives will not be so sudden and so tragic, but letting go is part of being a parent, it’s part of being a child. There is not a part of life that does not entail letting go of someone you love. The permanence of Baby G’s absence may make it feel different somehow. However, the universe is what, over 13 billion years old? The years we will be separated from him will be brief in comparison. So, this isn’t goodbye forever, this is until we meet again. Because Love NEVER ends. NEVER.
So, while we may never agree on who God is or what the meaning and purpose of life and death are, perhaps we can all agree that part of the answer is love.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Candle Lighting Memorial Service
Here is a memorial service for our hospice that I put together. The opening lines and the prayer have bits that are borrowed or rephrased from someone else. The reflection message is mine.
Introduction: Good afternoon. It is good to see you all here. This service is to remember and celebrate the lives of people that we at S_hospice have cared about. This includes patients we cared for as well as family and friends of our staff members. We appreciate you being here for this service. After the service, there will be a reception in a room across the lobby from us. We hope that you will stay and visit with us. For some of you, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you. After the service, we invite you to take one of the poinsettias decorating the front. This is our gift to you for the holiday season.
Introduction: Good afternoon. It is good to see you all here. This service is to remember and celebrate the lives of people that we at S_hospice have cared about. This includes patients we cared for as well as family and friends of our staff members. We appreciate you being here for this service. After the service, there will be a reception in a room across the lobby from us. We hope that you will stay and visit with us. For some of you, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you. After the service, we invite you to take one of the poinsettias decorating the front. This is our gift to you for the holiday season.
Opening: Please join me in the opening words printed inside your bulletin.
In the hallways of my memories and the canyons of my heart,
I will always remember you.
In the soft snow of winter and the glow of Christmas,
I will always remember you.
In the dawn of spring and the dawn of fall,
I will always remember you.
On birthdays, anniversaries, and ordinary days,
I will always remember you.
When I am lonely and tempted to be bitter,
I will always remember you.
When I am disheartened and confused,
I will always remember you.
When good news is too good to keep to myself,
I will always remember you.
In the candlelight of Christmas night,
I will always remember you.
Reading:
1 Corinthians 13
13If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast,* but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. 9For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; 10but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. 13And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
Message:
In order to feel loss and grief, we must have first loved. One consequence from loving someone is missing them when they are gone. Sometimes that sorrow can be so heavy, that we forget the other consequences of love. We forget the ecstatic joy of feeling connected to someone so special. We forget the bond that forms from years and years of spending time together, wading through life’s moments together. We forget hard won trust and faith in each other.
Sometimes it isn’t that we forget these things, but that the loss of them is so powerful that the memory is too much to bear. It weighs heavy in our minds and makes getting through day to day activities hard. Life moves on without us in small or big ways and it seems the world keeps on wanting to move us and change when we just want to stay put.
Sometimes, though, other emotions get in the way. Guilt and anger being the most common, are really the opposite ends of the same emotion. From an early age I’ve been taught to take on the responsibility of things I have no control over and that of course brings about guilt. And sometimes guilt never really makes sense up here, but we can’t ignore it in here. The other end of the spectrum is anger, which usually entails blaming someone for something, whether it is his fault or not. Anger also doesn’t always make sense.
All of these things I’ve mentioned are part of the roller coaster of grief and we all ride it differently. Grief is something that everyone goes through, but is different for each person as well.
What I want to lift up today is the thought that our grief is part of a valuable gift, the gift of love. For anyone who’s loved someone, you know that love does not mean you never get angry and want to strangle that person. It doesn’t mean that you don’t get sad or disappointed or need some time away from them. Love includes all of this and it also includes all that Paul talks about in his letter to the Corinthians: kindness, patience, acceptance, endurance, and belief. And these are the things we hold valuable in our love, even after death.
As we enter the holiday season, the grief that comes with love will be strong at times, but the opportunity to remember the precious parts, the kindness, patience, acceptance, endurance and belief will also be there. I encourage you to embrace those memories. But if it’s not time yet, that’s okay. January is just around the corner and all the music and decorations that trigger grief will be gone. But your love will not. Because love endures all things. Love never ends.
Candlelighting:
With all the darkness in our lives, love is the flame that lights the way. Light is a symbol of life and love in many religions throughout the world and time. Today we light a candle in memory of the flame that each of these people represented in our lives. Many people were not able to attend today but asked that we light a candle for their loved one. Two of our staff will be saying the names. When your loved one’s name is said, please have one person from your family come up to light the candle. Take the candle lighter from the staff person and light the candle. Then, say one word or phrase that summarizes who that person is to you or the memory you have of them. If you cannot think of a word or phrase to say, that’s okay. Hand back the candle lighter and sit down. Staff members will light the candles for those absent.
Moment of Silence
Prayer:
God, you gave us the ability to love, to remember, to honor and to miss those in our lives. Open our hearts and eyes to see more clearly, to remember more honestly, and to love in new ways. Give us the ability to celebrate the lives we miss while we also voice our grief and sadness. Give us strength to trust You when we cannot understand. Strengthen our belief in the power of your love and the life ever after. Amen.
Blessing:
May the love you feel for those gone light your way and may the love you feel for those still here give you joy, and may the love of those you have yet to meet give you hope. Go in peace.