A day off and nothing to do. Well, that's not true. But while compiling the list to do, I began thinking of my blogs. I don't have much opportunity to write anymore. It's something about grad school that I miss... shh.. don't tell anyone. ;) I really do have a lot of thoughts in my head about a lot of topics. But occassionally in my life I have needed some down time from contemplating the global interconnectedness and other BS that I love. There has been a longing in me to experience more of this wonderful thing called life, to meet more interesting people, create a family to love and be loved in return, and finding the adventurous wonder of a simple life. If only all that self-help mumbo jumbo in the"The Secret" were true, my will and intention would have conquered the world for me by now. That's not true, since I have no desire to conquer anything, though it sounds like the right thing to say.
What I do like about "The Secret" is the idea that we are masters of our own destiny. There is A LOT that is out of our hands... and sometimes there is too much trash raining around us to get out of it completely, but if we take what IS in our hands, we can do more than just change our life, we can transform our perception of our life. This is not about living in illusions, or delusions if you prefer. This is about seeing the world so radically different, it's almost as if we've developed another sense.
A. and I watched a lovely movie called "Mistress of Spices" based on a book of the same name. It's been compared to the movie Chocolat, but I think the story shares a common human theme. And it reminded me of who I am.
There are so many different paths and personalities in humanity, but one of them carries people whose heads live in the clouds, whose hearts demand service to others, and whose metaphysical perception of the world is different than people on other paths. Saints, humanitarians, both famous and infamous, inventors, artists and the like are often on this path. And this path can consume a person with passion for others, for their vision, for the future of the world, for the intangible. This path is not straight and not without sideroads, options. And one of these options is whether they will lead a "normal" life or live only for their cause or passion. The third option is trying to live with both the bigger dream to make a difference and the personal dream of happiness with a partner and family. So many brilliant people like this burst in radiant transformation of the world and fizzle out hard and fast. Others try to walk the tightrope between worlds, struggling to find happiness in simple living and to work in their passion. While others deny their passion, choosing their daily life over bigger dreams. Ultimately, there is heartache and tragedy, but there is also a radical choice to make the most of what's in front of you, to find your own happiness while fighting for the happiness for the entire universe.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or not. To me it does. In my life, I chose to become a chaplain, to find and claim a partner in life, and be open to the possibility that I may some day go after my passion to transform the world Regan-style. But right now, here in this moment, all I want to do is experience the life of a mother. I'm beginning to accept that perhaps the universe will not bend to my desire the way I want it to.
Perhaps I will have to practice what I preach and change my perspective of what it means to be a mother, to be a woman. Perhaps I might never be pregnant and experience the power of creation within me. I can think of this more often now and not cry. I can remember what my passion truly is, what my impetus is in this crazy world, and remember that creation exists in many forms, as many forms as love has.
Whether my family grows within my womb or not, it will grow. And with that will come my strength, my foundation. Because I do not want to fizzle and burn. I do not want the misery of a lonely heart. I do not want to face my demons or the evil in the world without that foundation to ground me. And with my strength through them, I can perhaps do a small part in the transformation of the world.
