Why Hospice? Part 2: Spirit Healer

Why Hospice? Part 2: Spirit Healer. I am a hospice chaplain because I feel called to help heal and transform the spirits of those who are seeking.

The church and I have a love-hate relationship. The church is like a 2000 year-old older brother and I'm the rebellious younger sister. We both love the same parents. We both love Jesus. And we fight. All the time.

Sometimes I think my older brother has some sort of dissociative disorder (split personality). There are the fundies and the liberals and the brimstone throwers and the social gospelers and the charismatics and the reformed and the orthodox and the bible thumpers and the guilt mongerers and somehow they are all connected by a book and a historical figure named Jesus. I always found church history to be fascinating and utterly disturbing at the same time. I think that the churches who avoid theological training and claim to teach only the bible are trying deny their roots. As if by not studying the interconnected history and doctrine, they can pretend they don't have part of the same theological DNA as Catholics or Jehovah's Witnesses. It's kinda funny.

After a childhood in an ultra fundamentalist church, I became a nomad of faith... one of the many seekers who call themselves "spiritual but not religious". I had a desire to heal the world and make a difference through science. It didn't work out so well. I've got a knack for science, but my esoteric questions about the meaning and purpose of the universe made my professors a little twitchy. My college chaplain was the first to name my call to ministry, even when I was hesitant to call myself Christian. And he was right.

The AHA! moment I had in college is that I could come up with a solution to the worst pollution problem Earth has and I'd still only be putting a band-aid on a gushing wound. The real problem is a dissociation with the universe (aka God, aka spiritual...) which creates a sense of apathy towards what is happening to the world today. So, to get at the source of the world's suffering, we must first heal its spirit. Does it really matter if we rescue one tree if we allow the forest to die? What if we could heal the apathy and spiritual numbness inside us... perhaps we then could encourage permanent change in the masses, not one minute piece at a time.

So, I knew I wanted to be a spiritual healer, but not how that would look. Once I found a church community I fit in well, I began realizing more and more my call was to be with people who had no church home. Those IN the church, for better or worse, have spiritual direction available to them. The people not in church, and let's face it, that is the majority of the U.S. population, often have nothing. I took a traditional route to become educated and trained. It wasn't easy, and even after accomplishing all the tasks to be ordained, I questioned it. To be blessed and authorized to do ministry by my big brother, whom I love AND who drives me crazy, was an important step for me. I commited myself not only to a vow to represent God and the Gospel, but also to be loyal to my church. I have many strong feelings about the church- not all bad, but not all good, either.

This helps me as a chaplain, because I identify not only with the religiously faithful church-goers, but also those who reject the church out of a sense of betrayal, shame, rage. I recognize the presence of God in all traditions and faiths and I respect the people who doubt God even exists. I feel as if I've experienced almost all of that in my own life.


When I talk of this to others I often hear, "Well, people in a church need pastoral care too."  This is true. But there are a couple things to consider: 1. All pastors whose titles don't specifically say "Associate for Pastoral Care" will admit that finding time to provide such care is hard. There is SO much more to being a pastor of a church. 2. If I were a pastor in a church, I would be providing spiritual care to those who feel comfortable and safe in the church, which means they may be more open to receiving care from the pastor or congregation than many of those I'm with in chaplaincy. There are so many for whom the church walls are oppressive. With my help, they can seek spiritual care without ever entering the church.

The other thing I hear is "Why don't you become a counselor or a medical doctor? You'd be helping people that way." The problem with that is I truly believe that spiritual suffering is the root of our discontent. I don't believe that psychology or medicine has all the answers for how to help a person. Chaplains often call what we do "psychospiritual" and that term acknowledges we incorporate both the learnings from science AND the spiritual in our practice.


When we experience loss and anticipate death, it is a potent time to explore our metaphysical  or theological foundation. What is the meaning of life, death, suffering? Where do we find hope and how can we anticipate the future despite suffering? Who am I and where is God? What happens after we die? What is point of the passage of time if all we do is die? How has my perspective changed due to my experience? What is my relationship to others and why do I have all these different reactions and emotions? Can I find peace?

The list goes on. The point is, I chose to be trained in the art of asking these questions as well as sitting with people while they answer them (or ignore them). To be honest, there is not really a right or wrong way to approach these issues, only many perspectives on how to make it easier or smoother. And with experience and continued training, comes understanding to make it so.

Not every person I visit with needs or wants spiritual healing. Not every person likes my personality or how I ask questions. But with each seed planted towards spiritual transformation, I am making the world a better place. Some days, like today in fact, i don't talk with one single patient or family member because I work on Medicare required paperwork. It gets boring or tedious to do all that paperwork and drive for 10-20 hours a week, but it's worth it. I get those special moments where I know I eased someone's suffering for just a little while and it fuels my spirit and eases my burden as well.

Why Hospice? Part 1: People Pleaser

In honor of National Hospice Month, I'd like to share some thoughts percolating in my mind. I want to reflect on why I am a hospice chaplain. Today's theme is about being an emotional caregiver.

I am a minister and emotional caregiver because I took to heart something a counselor told me as a teenager. She told me that the personality traits that appear as weaknesses or flaws can become our greatest strengths as well. I know, it sounds like self-help yoda-like drivel. And yet, it wouldn't sound so cheesy if there weren't truth to it. People say those things over and over and you just roll your eyes... until that one day when your soul is exposed and your heart emptied, waiting to be filled. And for whatever reason that bit of wisdom which you've heard with your brain is finally heard by the deep well within your heart. In other words, it is an "AHA!" moment. And she was the one to give me the wisdom at the exact time I was ready to hear it with my heart.

I truly believe that my vulnerabilities are my greatest strengths now. And the one that helps me as a hospice chaplain is sometimes called being a people-pleaser. There are other names for it: being a chameleon, being  co-dependent, sometimes it manifests as being an over-functioner or a clingy hover-er. But I think it all comes down to the gift of empathy... or perhaps an intuitve emotion-reader.

So, I took to heart those words and transformed my empathy (that had once converted me into a introverted invisible ghost) into a useful tool, an instrument towards changing and shaping the world for the better. When I was a child absorbing the emotions in a room, I had no clue how to analyze, interpret and respond to them. Whether you call it an intuitive gift or a keen sense to the subtle clues like body language and voice inflection, it is something that has always been a part of me. I would become overwhelmed by it and the only way I knew how to protect myself was to either keep the people in the room happy or to shut down emotionally.

But since seeing that counselor in high school, I have continuously strove towards understanding how people interrelate -what makes each person tick and what happens when 2 or more people are in a room together as well as the how and why of it all.  Most of all, I aimed for goals to understand myself better, to strengthen the gifts I have and challenge myself to overcome obstacles.  I now know boundaries and have channeled my gifts towards easing the emotional burden of those facing death and/or experiencing loss. It takes advantage of my strengths while helping me transform something that could be harmful (pleasing people to the point of self-harm) into a beautiful tool to help others.

The journey towards personal transformation is a lifetime pursuit. While I feel good about where I am, I also know that the people I meet can teach so much more than I can imagine.  I feel blessed by the fertile ground hospice provides for transformation and serenity. The next installment will answer why am i a spiritual care provider.

Sitting in the Dark, A Sermon

Isaiah 9:1-4

But there will be no gloom for those who were in anguish. In the former time he brought into contempt the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the latter time he will make glorious the way of the sea, the land beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations. The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness— on them light has shined. You have multiplied the nation, you have increased its joy; they rejoice before you as with joy at the harvest, as people exult when dividing plunder. For the yoke of their burden, and the bar across their shoulders, the rod of their oppressor, you have broken as on the day of Midian.

Matthew 4:12-23
Now when Jesus heard that John had been arrested, he withdrew to Galilee. He left Nazareth and made his home in Capernaum by the lake, in the territory of Zebulun and Naphtali, so that what had been spoken through the prophet Isaiah might be fulfilled: ‘Land of Zebulun, land of Naphtali, on the road by the sea, across the Jordan, Galilee of the Gentiles— the people who sat in darkness have seen a great light,and for those who sat in the region and shadow of death light has dawned.’ From that time Jesus began to proclaim, ‘Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.’

The light casting out the darkness is a great image for how our faith in God works sometimes. God is my light and my salvation. God delivers me from the darkness and shadows haunting me. I like these images and use them often to comfort myself.

But lately I’ve been wondering what is so horrible about the dark. There are times when being in the dark comforts me. With all the lights out, I can relax and focus on my breathing and my heart beat. I can think without the distraction of seeing the pile of things I need to do. In the dark, I rest when my head hurts or I am tired. In the dark I can listen better, whether music on my stereo or the words my husband is telling me. When it is dark, I can see better the lights that are dimmer or are far away from me.

What is scary to me about the darkness is what I don’t know. I don’t know what made that creaking sound in the living room. I don’t know how far I can walk before hitting my shin on the coffee table. Like many kids, I was afraid to sleep completely in the dark. With the hallway light glowing behind me, I would run from the door and make a flying leap onto my bed. I was scared there might be a man under my bed who would grab my ankle. I was afraid of what I couldn’t see but could only imagine. The darkness also feels unbearable to me when I am feeling all alone. Despite my desire to not waste energy, when I lived alone in seminary I would sometimes turn on all the lights in my apartment and turn on the television even though I wasn’t watching it… just because I had this strong realization I was alone. It is not the darkness itself that threatens us, it is the emotions that we associate with darkness that endanger us.

When our spiritual path is filled with darkness, what are we truly in danger of? When my life is going through lots of changes and hardships, what is it that casts shadows on my spirit? Just like walking in the dark, it is the fear of the unknown. I cannot see the bumps in my path, and yet like a child staring at the slightly open closet door, I imagine the worst possibilities. I am certain that there is something in the shadows waiting to get me. And when I am facing the unknown and my spirits are shaky, I can feel particularly isolated and alone.

Sometimes, we are not able to get out of the darkness right away. So much in our lives are not in our control. For better or worse, we don’t choose what family we are born into, we can’t control the craziness in society and the atrocities in the news. We don’t choose the time we are born or the time we die. We do not choose the time we get sick or lose a job. No matter how we try, we can’t always will ourselves out of the darkness. We don’t always know what to do or where to go. The unknown doesn’t always reveal itself to us just because we want it to.

How, then, do we live in the darkness? Is there a way to find rest in the dark? Is there a way to find safety and security in the dark?

As I got older, I became less and less scared to sleep in the dark. What has changed? I now trust the reality I can hear, touch and see. I trust the locks on my doors to keep out intruders and the dog to bark if a stranger is near. I know that the walls of my house are protecting me from the cold. And I avoid tripping over things in the dark by walking slowly and holding onto the doorjamb and wall as I walk. And best of all, I have a lamp next to my bed that is always within reach when I need the reassurance of light.

On our spiritual path, I trust God to protect me and guide me through the dark. I may not feel God’s presence, but I know God’s there. Just like in the dark when I cannot see the walls of my house or the locks on my door, I still know they are there. I know God is there. I lean on Jesus when I am afraid I will stumble or fall. Jesus is my touching stone in uncertain times and I know his love and wisdom will guide me when I cannot see the way. When the way is so dark and I feel so alone, prayer, worship and fellowship with my community are the lamps I turn on when I need the light of God’s lamp to reassure me. The lamp of God’s light is always there waiting for me to turn it on when I need it.

For as the psalmist says: God is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? God is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? For God will hide me in God's shelter in the day of trouble; God will conceal me under the cover of God's tent; God will set me high on a rock. May God’s light warm you and provide you comfort all your days. Amen.

A note to myself for further reflection...

On the eve of a much anticipated vacation, I experienced another first in my path as a chaplain. I want to write about it and hope I will someday. But tonight I'm still wrapping my head and heart around the experience. Going on a 10 day vacation with no computer. It will be journal writing for that. Perhaps I'll share my reflections when I get back.

Spices, passion, and choices

A day off and nothing to do. Well, that's not true. But while compiling the list to do, I began thinking of my blogs. I don't have much opportunity to write anymore. It's something about grad school that I miss... shh.. don't tell anyone. ;) I really do have a lot of thoughts in my head about a lot of topics. But occassionally in my life I have needed some down time from contemplating the global interconnectedness and other BS that I love. There has been a longing in me to experience more of this wonderful thing called life, to meet more interesting people, create a family to love and be loved in return, and finding the adventurous wonder of a simple life.  If only all that self-help mumbo jumbo in the"The Secret" were true, my will and intention would have conquered the world for me by now. That's not true, since I have no desire to conquer anything, though it sounds like the right thing to say. 

What I do like about "The Secret" is the idea that we are masters of our own destiny.  There is A LOT that is out of our hands... and sometimes there is too much trash raining around us to get out of it completely, but if we take what IS in our hands, we can do more than just change our life, we can transform our perception of our life.  This is not about living in illusions, or delusions if you prefer. This is about seeing the world so radically different, it's almost as if we've developed another sense.

A. and I watched a lovely movie called "Mistress of Spices" based on a book of the same name. It's been compared to the movie Chocolat, but I think the story shares a common human theme. And it reminded me of who I am.

There are so many different paths and personalities in humanity, but one of them carries people whose heads live in the clouds, whose hearts demand service to others, and whose metaphysical perception of the world is different than people on other paths. Saints, humanitarians, both famous and infamous, inventors, artists and the like are often on this path.  And this path can consume a person with passion for others, for their vision, for the future of the world, for the intangible. This path is not straight and not without sideroads, options. And one of these options is whether they will lead a "normal" life or live only for their cause or passion. The third option is trying to live with both the bigger dream to make a difference and the personal dream of happiness with a partner and family.  So many brilliant people like this burst in radiant transformation of the world and fizzle out hard and fast. Others try to walk the tightrope between worlds, struggling to find happiness in simple living and to work in their passion. While others deny their passion, choosing their daily life over bigger dreams. Ultimately, there is heartache and tragedy, but there is also a radical choice to make the most of what's in front of you, to find your own happiness while fighting for the happiness for the entire universe.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or not. To me it does. In my life, I chose to become a chaplain, to find and claim a partner in life, and be open to the possibility that I may some day go after my passion to transform the world Regan-style.  But right now, here in this moment, all I want to do is experience the life of a mother. I'm beginning to accept that perhaps the universe will not bend to my desire the way I want it to.

 Perhaps I will have to practice what I preach and change my perspective of what it means to be a mother, to be a woman. Perhaps I might never be pregnant and experience the power of creation within me. I can think of this more often now and not cry. I can remember what my passion truly is, what my impetus is in this crazy world, and remember that creation exists in many forms, as many forms as love has. 

Whether my family grows within my womb or not, it will grow. And with that will come my strength, my foundation.  Because I do not want to fizzle and burn. I do not want the misery of a lonely heart. I do not want to face my demons or the evil in the world without that foundation to ground me. And with my strength through them, I can perhaps do a small part in the transformation of the world.

Partners in Love, a wedding homily

Wedding Homily:


We use and hear the word love all the time. “Oh, I just LOVE that shirt” or “Oh, Brad Pitt is so dreamy, I LOVE him”. I have a friend that when she gets drunk, puts her arm around whoever is next to her and says “I LOVE you”. I think she means it when she says it. And we all should understand the difference between the love among family and love for objects or things, including sexy movie stars. But, I do believe that flinging the word around casually can be dangerous.

On the opposite spectrum, we have the fairy tale, media promoting ideal of true love. How many little girls and boys watch Disney movies and think that all their dreams will come true if they find the perfect prince or princess, have a fancy wedding, and make lots of babies? And how many of them become broken hearted, disillusioned, and start thinking something is wrong with them, because they can’t find true love?

As a pastor, I truly believe that the reason we are all put here on earth is to love one another. However, we weren’t put here to love our favorite TV show or jeans. And our lives will never revolve around only one person.

Now, there are wonderful moments in our lives where we think that we will never love someone as much as we love right now. These moments, often at times of birth or new romance are blessings. When we see a new baby for the first time or are walking along with a goofy smile on your face because you get to see your new love. .. Those are moments where love overwhelms and overflows.

But what I suggest to you, and what I think God blesses us with, is the ability to expand our heart each time we love to fit more people in it. Of course, I don’t mean the literal beating heart. What I mean is the place inside of us, the spirit or soul within us, that expands and grows exponentially to fit the people in our lives.

We are God’s creation and created in God’s image. And I believe that God’s love for us is limitless and we are given that same capacity to love large. That doesn’t mean that love answers everything. If you listen to the wedding vows carefully, it isn’t all “Happily Ever After”. In fact, there is more about standing beside each other in the storms of life than there is about all the gushy, mushy stuff that little girls dream of.

There has been love between E. and D. for a while now. They have already stood beside each other through many storms. There have been hard tragedies, especially the loss of T. But their love was there. There have been scary heart-wrenching moments, like when D. had his heart attack. But their love was there. And there have been days, we all know it’s true for them and every couple, where they don’t really like each other that much. But their love was there. And that love overflows and includes their sons and granddaughters, their parents, family and friends. They do not stand here as an island, joined only to each other. When they make a commitment to each other to continue loving and being partners through life, you all are included in that.

As we go through the vows, I encourage you to remember not only what I’ve said, but also what the Scripture says. The Song of Solomon says “Set me as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, passion as fierce as the grave. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.”

What is UCC? The Language of God Video

The Language of God from United Church of Christ on Vimeo.

Guest Blogger I was.

Brian & Sara Brandsmeier host a wonderful blog called Ephphatha Poetry. A few weeks ago Brian asked if I would write a reflection on a NY Times article on their blog. Here is the result.

Article: Flock Is Now a Fight Team in Some Ministries

Response: Christian Fight Club: A Reflection by Regan Doyle Saoirse

There's also another response to the article on there as well that provides great insight. Be sure to keep tabs on their blog. They share some great reflections about various topics in progressive christianity.

Going Home means so many things

Today I attended the funeral for one of my patients. I will call her Rose.

It was a fire and brimstone kind of funeral... granted, the fire and brimstone were alluded to in gentler terms, but it's still the same message. This pastor apparently met Rose years ago and then visited her a month or so before she died. He kept on making references to her strong faith being obvious and her commitment to the Lord, etc. Rose hadn't been well enough to attend church in years. In the time I knew her, she never had a pastor visit her until him. Her only connection was a distant relation, Connie, who brought her the bulletin that printed her name on the prayer list every Sunday.

The woman I remember was angry at God for her disease, suffering, and dying... compounded by the fact her church upbringing said she shouldn't be mad at God or even question what her lot in life was. Subsequently, she bottled her immense rage at God and refused to talk about it, pray about it, or discuss anything about religion (except the snippets I picked up here and there), because she was afraid. She was afraid to be angry at God.... the harsh judging god preached at fire and brimstone funerals. Rose also was bitter about how the church forgot her. She was bitter about the time, money and faith she put into her church that ultimately forgot about her. I'm not sure she would have even been on the prayer list if Connie hadn't made sure of it.

I'll tell you her story from my perspective. Granted, it's limited to the final months of her life, but I believe that this story reflects her struggle, her faith, and where she felt she was going upon death.

Rose began on hospice while living in an assisted living facility. She was able to walk and talk about interesting topics. She picked up after herself, chose from the menu, took walks around the garden area. She had some odd behavior that kept her isolated and alone most of her life, but most of the time friendly and easy to get along with. She had metastatic breast cancer spreading through her bones and organs. About 1.5 years later, Rose was in a nursing home and on her death bed. Her mind and brain began to be affected, either by the growing cancer or the insane amount of drugs needed to withstand the pain. Skin and bones, except where the cancer swelled. Cancerous bones turned into sponge. Bumps of cancer on her breast bone and ribs, some of them oozing. Violent and angry paranoia, hallucinations, uncontrollable shaking, too weak to lift a tissue to her mouth, incontinence, and absolutely no more power to make her own decisions, despite the occasional lucid moment (which occurred less and less).

Last week I visited Rose after she had some scary apnea during sleep and woke up acting paranoid and hallucinating. I relieved the hospice nurse who was caring for Rose and sat with her for a couple hours. In her few lucid moments, I helped Rose drink water and half an Ensure shake. She received some meds for her pain and despite almost drowsing off, woke up and began being violently angry and hallucinating. I left for a few minutes when Connie came to visit... returned after she was gone and the patient desperately wanted to get dressed and go home. She just HAD to get out of there. There were various stories and reasons, people she said were trying to get her, her money was stolen, etc. I talked with her calmly and took her orders to "Stand there" or "Sit there". I was hoping the medicine would kick in and she would dose off.

I finally shut off the small room light, making the hallway light the only illumination. I sat on a chair, leaned towards Rose and held her hand. She was still tugging on it as best she could to convince me to help her up so she could go home. Something about the way she said it that time, with such desperation and exhaustion, made me realize that maybe her brain was confusing which "home" she meant. So, I said to her

"You're right Rose, it is time to go home."

She nodded sagely at me, still gripping my hand. I said

"And I think Jesus is waiting for you there."

She looked at me for a moment and then whispered

"I think he is too."

Tears were in my eyes, of course, then I told her, "I love you, Rose, and I'm really going to miss you." Her eyes got droopy and I hoped that meant she was going to sleep. But, they popped back open and she began to tell me people were stealing her money and I better get her out of there. Then her eyes drooped again. We did this a couple times and then I asked her if she remembered any hymns or Sunday School songs. I sang "Jesus Loves Me" a couple times and her whole body quieted, and she started humming and mumbling words occasionally. Then I sang "This Little Light of Mine" and "Amazing Grace". She drifted in and out and hummed randomly with me.

When I told her that I was going and would be back tomorrow, she said "You know I may not be here;I'm going to leave too". I told her that I knew and it was okay. I left her calm and drowsy, though it didn't last long. As I rounded the corner at the end of the sterile nursing home hallway, I heard her calling for someone to help her get her coat so she could leave.

I saw her again the next morning and it was 4 more days before she died.

The end.